Marry a Lawyer and Get Screwed

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Gonorrhoea and Dying in Dignity

When her husband Ken passed away, Rose put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh1t that he really was."

Your Favourite Job and its Description

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian, until I realised there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

What do men what they don’t say

So a Dr. Calvin Rickson from Texas University has invented a revolutionary bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

But wait a minute. At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the hell out of him.

So what do men want? Anyway, it is a weird world where the past tense of pigs fly becomes a disease (SWINE FLU).

The Irony of Having Dunderhead in Charge

Imagine all the organs of the body having a meeting to try and decide who amongst them should be in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually the one in charge.

Kenya’s Gender Insensitive ATM Instructions

So the new PREMIER bank customer ATM in Westlands is the place to be and belong for the budding Kenyan middle class. Well wait till you read the gender-tailored instructions.

The new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card..
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with Pin written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Sorry You’re Ugly: Top 10 Rejection Reasons

Men often baptize their true reasons for rejecting an emotional interest. But the truth is looks is at the root of almost all the rejections. Forget all the surrogate sweet nothing, what the man really mean is SORRY YOU DON’T MEASURE ON THE BEAUTY SCALE.

You doubt me? Well, sample these top 10 reasons and what they Really Mean


10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)


9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)


8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)


7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)


6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)


5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)


4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)


3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)


2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)


...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)


1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Forget Clones, Speak Original English

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

Of Tribal Stereotypes that Define Kenya

The KALENJIN
Has one Wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his wife the most.

The KIKUYU
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his girlfriend the most.

The TESO
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves the house maid the most.

The LUHYA
Has two wives
Has two girlfriends
He loves the wives’ sisters the most.

COASTERIAN
Has 4 wives
Has 0 girlfriends
He loves the house boy the most.

The JALUO
Has 4 wives
Has 4 girlfriends
He loves his neighbours wife the most.

The KAMBA
Has one, two three wives
Has several girlfriends
He loves the barmaid the most.

THE KISI! / MERU
One wife many girl friends
He will beat all of them

THE MASAI
Two wives
One girl friend
He loves his cows the most

THE SOMALI'S
Four wives
No girl friend
Loves his miraa the most

Perils of Failing to Listen to Yourself

Joe feared his wife Ann wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor Rick to discuss the problem.

Dr Rick told Joe there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the office. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"


Still no response
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Joe, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Refreshing Message for a Chaning World

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Finally always remember:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

Lucy's Statement Criticizing Saitoti

es unfoshunate,that we donti have a woman menesta,in the ministry of…..in the administreshono... menestry naitha in enterno securete. we can! women we can! if thech was a woman meba of pariament,in the menestre of interno securete she woodi hav stopped this accidets.

the menesta who es there today,ad am going to say
minister Saitoti. he waits antiro he hears of bad-aches in north eastern,bad-aches some-o-where eros,ad the nexti day,you see him there. enterno securete menestry means you protect everebody in Kenya . You stop accidents! adi donti tero me that es the job of the menesta for transport or for roads,no! etes yours,etes for porovesa saitoti,etes yours,

I was angry yesterday last evening when I saw him on tv,he has gone to thati spot where 118 kenyans died and this is ore he had 2 say "I hope you kenyans,this tragedy wiro teach you a resson"

He tod us,that this tragedy wiro teach us a resson. how cani dedi people be taught a resson?,theiya orede dead. ad I wadad why did he fry ore the way from nairobi to go to moro to say that.. to hurt the people who are orede mourning their dead,and he asked us kenyans when wiro you ever learn.. . em.. i repry to him..

when you come to us,give us seveki ediocation,teach us,there in the ruro that petro is dagerous,dont sed your choodren to go adi correct et from a tank,when the tanki hasi forren.

One-night stand: woman's power

We human beings always fall for the thrilling emotional escapades despite the glaring dangers. One night stand is still alive today as it was ages gone by when the biggest threat to your nether gems was gonorrhea. Well, if you thought the ACHA INIUE DOGODODO SITAACHA (AIDS) was just a juvenile permutation think again.

One night stands is often attributed to many factors. First came the so-called sex revolution which was credited for giving single women the same freedom as men. But single here is a misnomer since girls and boys who can hardly spell their names backwards are often the maestros of this vile vice. So what is the true drive behind the nocturnal sexual escapades that only last singe nights?

Practitioners and victims (if there were any) of the misplaced bliss will readily confess to you about their regret of feeling USED the morning after a one-night stand. Add to that the psychological damage done to both EGO and REPUTATION and contrast it with men’s penchant to brag to friends about their sexual exploits.

But before you dismiss SHORT-FUSED romance, you better know that some of its practitioners draw plenty of pleasure sampling and seizing varieties, the damaging risks notwithstanding. Some even claim that one-night stands are the foundation on which long-term relationships and even marriage is built.

Thrills and perils
Surely love life is a mine field littered with emotional tornadoes waiting to hit every love bird out there. But the truth said one night stands only leaves its victims awash with shame the next morning. Some cannot even stand the sight of sitting next to whoever was right inside/on them just few hours ago.

Sex is one aspect of human life that is full of contradictions. While men will message their egos with the simplistic regret of having gone with a less attractive or undesirable woman, research point to most women dislike for casual relationships and instead prefer quality for quantity. But again the world is a river full of frogs and dish, and while the latter may be delicious to many, the amphibians are a revered dish in other parts of the word.

Men will go to great lengths to perpetuate patriarchal dominance. But the true fear lies in women having the same opportunity. No wonder a man fears bleeding to death from a paper cut oblivious of the fact that a woman loses blood every month during her productive years without any trace of fear of death. What is more, when experiencing her menses, there is a new life inside her. Speak of the immortal fear of the unknown addressed in subjugation.

Reversed Roles: Shoe on the Other Face

If roles were reversed, it would be interesting to imagine what the fate and scenario if the Iraqi journalist threw his pair of shoes at our own Kibaki. From history, one can reckon that Kibaki's reactions would go something like this:

......"Wale wanarusha viatu wacha warushe tu kwani watarusha viatu vingapi si anapair moja tu. Atatoa pair ingine wapi? Bure tu!!! Kweli huyo ni bure tu!! Kwani sibure yeye ni nini!!!

Crime Pays: Sweet Rewards of Mischief

So the Iraqi journalist who swung both shoes at President Bush is eventually earning handsome rewards for his heroics.In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.

The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankees scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.

While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner. "The first shoe was high and outside but the second one was right down the middle," Mr. Steinbrenner said.

The Yankees' boss said that he was also impressed with Mr. al-Zeidi's fighting spirit when Secret Service agents tackled him. "That could come in handy when we have a series with Boston," he said.