Your Favourite Job and its Description

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian, until I realised there was no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

What do men what they don’t say

So a Dr. Calvin Rickson from Texas University has invented a revolutionary bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

But wait a minute. At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the hell out of him.

So what do men want? Anyway, it is a weird world where the past tense of pigs fly becomes a disease (SWINE FLU).

The Irony of Having Dunderhead in Charge

Imagine all the organs of the body having a meeting to try and decide who amongst them should be in charge.


"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually the one in charge.