Beatiful Coloured Lies

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

2010-04-07T18:00:00.001+03:00

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,

P. Niss

Response

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the
Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,

V. Gina

Get Drunk But Remain Faithful

2010-01-30T21:00:00.000+03:00

Tim wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tim looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son Jake is also at the table, eating. Tim asks, "Son, what happened last night?" Jake says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Tim asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

To which Jake replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

Al-Gebra's Deadly Weapon of Math Destruction

2010-01-19T21:18:00.003+03:00

Al-Shabaab sympathizers have expanded their operations from Nairobi streets to Obama’s ancestral land, Siaya. Going a step further than Mungiki, a new terror group called al-Gebra and headed by one Osumo Be’L Adden has invaded Kisumu schools recruiting enthusiasts.

Investigation shows that Osumo began his movement at the undergraduate level and is vigorously spreading his tentacles to secondary schools, according to US Attorney General Amos Wako. His favored targets include homomorphics and people living in polynomial relationships.

In response, KHRC vice chair and Martha Karua have out rightly dismissed the Wako’s accusations as pandering to the lowest common denominator of anti-Arab prejudice.
To prove his point, Wako through the office of DPP today paraded a secondary school teacher arrested at Kiumu airport trying to board a flight to Mogadishu while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a drafting triangle, a compass, and a calculator.

During the press conference the AG said he believed teacher Osman was a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement and he intends to charge him with transporting weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a fearsum, transverse cult,” the Attorney General said. “As a group they seek means of average solutions by extremes, and sometimes randomly go off on tangents in search of absolute values. A member of al-Gebra may use acute alias such as ‘x’ or ‘y’ and refer to himself as an unknown identity, but we have determined that he is likely to belong to a common denominator — the axis of medieval that coordinates in every country.” The Attorney General continued, “Al-Gebra functions as a bunch of standard deviations that have been tribal since the time of Noah’s arc," a remark that struck a chord with the media. “They are inordinate in terrorism, of that I’m abscissaly sure.

They use degrees of irrational subtrahend to create differences and conditional inequalities among friendly, discriminant nations, leading to arguments and making us less functional and coefficient in attaining our goals. And they have the international mobility of a swarm of loci. Give them an air matrix to inflate and a plot to set it on, and they can live anywhere. If necessary, we will pursue them to the corners of this Earthly sphere."

Waxing intellectual Wako remarked, "As the Greek philanderer Isosceles once said, ‘Never forget that there are three sides to every triangle, and sometimes two of them are normal.’ ” The Attorney General added, "As you can tell, I am not diagonally opposed to that prime concept."

When asked to comment on the arrest, PM Raila, who is an engineer, obtusely said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. Next to bisectual marriages and those polygonists in Coast proviance, I’m concerned about the significant places of such weapons. Tomorrow I intend to go to Mau and address Congruence about this situation. I have a volume of suggestions and a finite series of common solutions for them to consider."

The PM also warned, “These weapons of math instruction are without parallel and have the potential to decimal everything on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of an infinity Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of kindness. If we enter a phase in which all nations are integrated in all degrees of purpose, that steady state will give us slope for a better tomorrow, and we will all be infinitely better off. In such a case we could have our pi and eat it too."

The PM further declared, “I am gratified that we have been given a sine that al-Gebra is protracting this situation with calculusing disregard. Their murky statisticians plan to inflict plane of new dimensions on every sphere of influence,” he added. “Under these circumferences, we must differentiate their roots, make our points, draw our lines, and proportionally intersect these people throughout whatever area of the domain they range."

And, above all, we must make sure that they can’t get their hands on radii active materials. That is one thing you can secant you? What we need is a higher quotient of linguists embedded with our troops so that they can interpolate the gibberish that al-Gebra uses to communicate. If we had that capability, we could periodically reach new limits of success as easily as falling off a natural log. Anything short of that could lead to some real, not imaginary, complex circumstances."

And like a fish dropped in water to drown, the Minister for Security Geaorge Saitoti added, "As our Great Premier would say, ‘Read my ellipse.’ The one angle that I am uncertainty of is that although al-Gebra will probability try to continuously multiply in theorem, their days are numbered as we draw the hypotenuse ever tighter around their necks."

Marry a Lawyer and Get Screwed

2009-10-27T00:50:00.001+03:00

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
I'm still a v1rgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how
great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order,
he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted
three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art
method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew
how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was
never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss
him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Gonorrhoea and Dying in Dignity

2009-08-13T18:00:00.001+03:00

When her husband Ken passed away, Rose put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhoea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhoea, not gonorrhoea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhoea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh1t that he really was."

Your Favourite Job and its Description

2009-07-28T13:37:00.001+03:00

My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack,
but I just couldn't hack it … so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor,
but I just wasn't suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre,
but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber,
but I just couldn't cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef,
figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.

Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker,
but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician,
but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor,
but I didn't have any patients.

Next was a job in a shoe factory,
I tried but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman,
but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

Thought about becoming a witch,
so I tried that for a spell.

I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance
company,
but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes,
but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

So then I got a job in a gymnasium,
but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting,
but the work was shocking.

After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an
historian, until I realised there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

What do men what they don’t say

2009-07-20T23:15:00.000+03:00

So a Dr. Calvin Rickson from Texas University has invented a revolutionary bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

But wait a minute. At a news conference, after he had announced the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the hell out of him.

So what do men want? Anyway, it is a weird world where the past tense of pigs fly becomes a disease (SWINE FLU).

The Irony of Having Dunderhead in Charge

2009-06-20T20:40:00.000+03:00

Imagine all the organs of the body having a meeting to try and decide who amongst them should be in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

Moral of the story?
The asshole is usually the one in charge.

Kenya’s Gender Insensitive ATM Instructions

2009-06-16T01:48:00.000+03:00

So the new PREMIER bank customer ATM in Westlands is the place to be and belong for the budding Kenyan middle class. Well wait till you read the gender-tailored instructions.

The new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card..
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with Pin written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Sorry You’re Ugly: Top 10 Rejection Reasons

2009-06-02T18:00:00.002+03:00

Men often baptize their true reasons for rejecting an emotional interest. But the truth is looks is at the root of almost all the rejections. Forget all the surrogate sweet nothing, what the man really mean is SORRY YOU DON’T MEASURE ON THE BEAUTY SCALE.

You doubt me? Well, sample these top 10 reasons and what they Really Mean

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

Forget Clones, Speak Original English

2009-05-18T18:50:00.000+03:00

Antibody - against everyone

Artery - The study of the paintings.

Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.

Caesarean section - a district in Rome.

Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.

Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.

Chronic - neck of a crow.

Coma - punctuation mark.

Cortisone - area around local court.

Cyst - short for sister.

Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.

Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.

Dislocation - in this place.

Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.

Enema - not a friend.

Fake labour - pretending to work.

Genes - blue denim.

Hernia - she is close by.

Impotent - distinguished/well known.

Labour pain - hurt at work.

Lactose - people without toes.

Lymph - walk unsteadily.

Microbes - small dressing gown.

Obesity - city of Obe.

Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.

Proteins - in favour of teens.

Pulse - grain.

Pus - small cat.

Red blood count - Dracula.

Secretion - hiding anything.

Tablet - small table.

Ultrasound - radical noise.

Urine - opposite of you're out.

Varicose - very close.

Of Tribal Stereotypes that Define Kenya

2009-05-13T21:00:00.000+03:00

The KALENJIN
Has one Wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his wife the most.

The KIKUYU
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves his girlfriend the most.

The TESO
Has one wife
Has one girlfriend
But he loves the house maid the most.

The LUHYA
Has two wives
Has two girlfriends
He loves the wives’ sisters the most.

COASTERIAN
Has 4 wives
Has 0 girlfriends
He loves the house boy the most.

The JALUO
Has 4 wives
Has 4 girlfriends
He loves his neighbours wife the most.

The KAMBA
Has one, two three wives
Has several girlfriends
He loves the barmaid the most.

THE KISI! / MERU
One wife many girl friends
He will beat all of them

THE MASAI
Two wives
One girl friend
He loves his cows the most

THE SOMALI'S
Four wives
No girl friend
Loves his miraa the most

Perils of Failing to Listen to Yourself

2009-05-01T17:15:00.000+03:00

Joe feared his wife Ann wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor Rick to discuss the problem.

Dr Rick told Joe there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the office. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his
wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?" Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)

"Joe, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

Refreshing Message for a Chaning World

2009-03-27T17:23:00.000+03:00

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the
showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Finally always remember:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away

Lucy's Statement Criticizing Saitoti

2009-03-20T20:43:00.000+03:00

es unfoshunate,that we donti have a woman menesta,in the ministry of…..in the administreshono... menestry naitha in enterno securete. we can! women we can! if thech was a woman meba of pariament,in the menestre of interno securete she woodi hav stopped this accidets.

the menesta who es there today,ad am going to say
minister Saitoti. he waits antiro he hears of bad-aches in north eastern,bad-aches some-o-where eros,ad the nexti day,you see him there. enterno securete menestry means you protect everebody in Kenya . You stop accidents! adi donti tero me that es the job of the menesta for transport or for roads,no! etes yours,etes for porovesa saitoti,etes yours,

I was angry yesterday last evening when I saw him on tv,he has gone to thati spot where 118 kenyans died and this is ore he had 2 say "I hope you kenyans,this tragedy wiro teach you a resson"

He tod us,that this tragedy wiro teach us a resson. how cani dedi people be taught a resson?,theiya orede dead. ad I wadad why did he fry ore the way from nairobi to go to moro to say that.. to hurt the people who are orede mourning their dead,and he asked us kenyans when wiro you ever learn.. . em.. i repry to him..

when you come to us,give us seveki ediocation,teach us,there in the ruro that petro is dagerous,dont sed your choodren to go adi correct et from a tank,when the tanki hasi forren.

One-night stand: woman's power

2009-03-02T21:11:00.000+03:00

We human beings always fall for the thrilling emotional escapades despite the glaring dangers. One night stand is still alive today as it was ages gone by when the biggest threat to your nether gems was gonorrhea. Well, if you thought the ACHA INIUE DOGODODO SITAACHA (AIDS) was just a juvenile permutation think again.

One night stands is often attributed to many factors. First came the so-called sex revolution which was credited for giving single women the same freedom as men. But single here is a misnomer since girls and boys who can hardly spell their names backwards are often the maestros of this vile vice. So what is the true drive behind the nocturnal sexual escapades that only last singe nights?

Practitioners and victims (if there were any) of the misplaced bliss will readily confess to you about their regret of feeling USED the morning after a one-night stand. Add to that the psychological damage done to both EGO and REPUTATION and contrast it with men’s penchant to brag to friends about their sexual exploits.

But before you dismiss SHORT-FUSED romance, you better know that some of its practitioners draw plenty of pleasure sampling and seizing varieties, the damaging risks notwithstanding. Some even claim that one-night stands are the foundation on which long-term relationships and even marriage is built.

Thrills and perils
Surely love life is a mine field littered with emotional tornadoes waiting to hit every love bird out there. But the truth said one night stands only leaves its victims awash with shame the next morning. Some cannot even stand the sight of sitting next to whoever was right inside/on them just few hours ago.

Sex is one aspect of human life that is full of contradictions. While men will message their egos with the simplistic regret of having gone with a less attractive or undesirable woman, research point to most women dislike for casual relationships and instead prefer quality for quantity. But again the world is a river full of frogs and dish, and while the latter may be delicious to many, the amphibians are a revered dish in other parts of the word.

Men will go to great lengths to perpetuate patriarchal dominance. But the true fear lies in women having the same opportunity. No wonder a man fears bleeding to death from a paper cut oblivious of the fact that a woman loses blood every month during her productive years without any trace of fear of death. What is more, when experiencing her menses, there is a new life inside her. Speak of the immortal fear of the unknown addressed in subjugation.

Reversed Roles: Shoe on the Other Face

2009-02-23T18:20:00.000+03:00

If roles were reversed, it would be interesting to imagine what the fate and scenario if the Iraqi journalist threw his pair of shoes at our own Kibaki. From history, one can reckon that Kibaki's reactions would go something like this:

......"Wale wanarusha viatu wacha warushe tu kwani watarusha viatu vingapi si anapair moja tu. Atatoa pair ingine wapi? Bure tu!!! Kweli huyo ni bure tu!! Kwani sibure yeye ni nini!!!

Crime Pays: Sweet Rewards of Mischief

2009-02-18T07:16:00.000+03:00

So the Iraqi journalist who swung both shoes at President Bush is eventually earning handsome rewards for his heroics.In their latest bid to beef up their pitching rotation for the 2009 season, the New York Yankees today signed Iraqi journalist Muntadar al-Zeidi to a three-year deal worth $32 million.

The right-handed al-Zeidi, 28, impressed the Yankees scouts with his performance in Baghdad yesterday when he threw both of his shoes at President George W. Bush.

While neither of the shoes hit their target, both throws "had great velocity and good movement," said Yankee co-owner Hank Steinbrenner. "The first shoe was high and outside but the second one was right down the middle," Mr. Steinbrenner said.

The Yankees' boss said that he was also impressed with Mr. al-Zeidi's fighting spirit when Secret Service agents tackled him. "That could come in handy when we have a series with Boston," he said.

The Glittering Noose Behind Every Wish

2008-08-30T18:22:00.000+03:00

Many adages have been coined to warn us mortals of the perils of grandiose wishes. Well, as tempting as they may be all wishes come at a price which can be so steep they would eternally change your life for the worse. Hold your breathe and take a ride with me.

Maina is a modern middle class Kenya with a penchant for hunting. So one weekend Maina ventures into one of the the vast forests of Kenya's Rift Valley to pertake his hunting hobby. Five hours into the forest, Maina realizes he has lost his way in the thickets. Two more hours his loyal dog Simba is dead thanks to the increasingly biting and chilly weather.

Poor Maina is both hungry and thirsty and can now only manage to crawl at snail pace. He is certain in his mind that he has breathed his last breath when all of a sudden he sees an glittering object beckoning from the canopy of tall trees several yards ahead of him.

Instinctively and out of curiousity, Maina crawls to the object, pulls it out of the trees and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

The genie is wearing a GoK's KRA ID badge and a dull grey dress. She has a calculator in her pocket-book and has pencil tucked behind one ear.

'Well, sweet Maina,' says the genie... 'You know how I work. You have three wishes.' 'I'm not falling for this,' said the Maina. 'I'm not going to trust an a revenue Officer coming as a genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no way out, and it looks like you're as good as dead anyway!'

Self slavery
The tall and well-built Maina thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
'OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.'

Abracadabra, the Maina finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, handsome Maina, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

Pronto! Maina man finds himself swimming in treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, Mr. Right Maina, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the Maina says... 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

Abracadabra, the good hunter Maina turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:
Watch what you wish for for wishes are often enslaving. There is no free lunch and despite a sumptuous one, the price can be so steep and the damage irreversible. Behind every government service lurks a catch.

Remote Romantic Bliss

2008-08-15T21:16:00.000+03:00

Romantic bliss is all rolled in tender caressing so they say. Well may be may be not. Sometimes touching can mistaked for what it is not. Sample this case study.

Joe and Joy have been married for ages and counting. After 20 years of marriage, this 'happy' couple was lying in bed one evening, when Joy felt Joe begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

Well, it almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

Joe then proceeded to place his hand on Joy's left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

Romantic Joe continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the TV.

As Joy had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

In a soft but removed voice Joe said, 'I found the remote'.

Message: as always assumptions remain the mother of all embarrassment and pain. If in doubt, please confirm and ask, don't assume it may cost you a heart.

Exotic Romantic Bliss Made Locally

2008-08-01T17:06:00.001+03:00

Romance between couples often takes a turn for the worse due to reasons that are traceable to the partners themselves. As they adage goes romantic bliss is a product of reasoning with the heart and relegating your head to the shadows. But not all is lost, recreating flaming romance only needs a creative and relaxed mind to produce a gem that will both partners rediscover the common bond between them. No need for exotic getaways, steaming romance can be created right inside the walls of your family home. So what to do to transform those ordinary rituals and environment into EXTRA ORDINARY romantic paradise?

A creative mind is an asset to a responsible lover. Make everyday special and banish traditional Valentine, First-Date Anniversary et al to the emotional archives. Connecting with your heart and sweetheart need not wait for a holiday. Armed with the right emotional arsenal just about any day is a perfect excuse for sparking romance. Take advantage of the present-day technology and re-recreate your dating days by burning your favourite songs and packing it for your partner as a surprise gift delivered to his office. Capture all his/her emotional sub conscience with a photo of both of you gracing the computer as screen saver.

Finding a common sport is a perfect recipe to explore the marvels and beauty of healthy living. Look for a spot that allows both of you to do the same thing at the same time. Besides the shapes, working out will certainly help eradicate the unsightly wheezing drum as a bed mate. BEDMINTON should be the icing on the cake and must not be considered an end unto itself. Disabuse the stereotypical breakfast in bed and chose to dinning (not dinner) in bed and brush the worries about crumbs. While at it, never carry unnecessary baggage (books, remotes or magazines) to the bedroom. That is simply measuring to the room’s honoured and self-description.

Knowing your soul mate is a life-long process and must not be mistaken for an event. Hold no secrets and share your daily experiences and worries with your partner. You will never appreciate the romantic spark of witty jokes till you work on it and make it a pastime. And that calls for being a student of life who not only studies for exams. Complement all these with superlative hygiene and etiquette and your partner’s heart is yours to conquer.

Names Reveal Our Inner Thoughts and Beliefs

2008-07-17T13:30:00.000+03:00

So what is in a name? Trivially a name should be nothing more than a cluster of letters for physical tagging and identity. But the reality is that names mean different things to different people. Some people plug names for the kids from fancy magazines and novels. Others give their kids names that are of sentimental value. While some parents just want sexy names that is not only a mouthful but rhythmic both in pronunciation and spelling.

Mothers know much about names they give to their children than anybody else. Take for example this psychiatrist who was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. Her preliminary assessment directed her to a common thread of individual obsession with something among the mothers which manifested itself in the names they gave their respective kids.

On entering the room she declared to all the four mothers "you all have obsessions."

To the first mother, she said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

She then turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

She turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

The Stress of Keeping a Parallel Spouse

2008-07-09T19:09:00.000+03:00

Men come in all shapes and shades. But one thread running through their obtuse ego is propensity to have own a spare flame besides the official missus. So what drives to chase extra hearts even when what they own appears too hot and sweet to betray? Well it starts and ends with men being big boys and the conquering mentality.

Remove men from the celebrity circles and the tabloids specializing on exposing elicit romance will definitely fold. Men’s king size ego appear designed to always want more and the more flesh a man samples goes along way to messaging all facets of that ego. Leaves you wondering whether the male species have a heart or what resides inside their chest is a fist-sized organ simply programmed to involuntarily pump blood and keep him alive, period.

Married men are the most calculative creatures standing on two limbs. They shop for bonus knowing well that their fixed deposit is guaranteed to earn interest since the day he pledged I do. Any woman willing to play into his hand will find a cunning soul alloyed with experience albeit gained from an official rival. But again the whole drama can be reduced to men insatiable appetite to eat both chicken and the egg. Our patriarch society and mind frame removes any element of shame but instead makes even schooled men fall back to primitive practices like justifying polygamy.

Emotional plurality
It is a man’s world so they say. And it appears Adam’s descendants are taking that literally and very far. Well, to be fair for every randy man out there is a willing sissy ready to play along. But come to think of it two wrongs never made a right and men must take their emotional responsibilities as serious as they secure their wallets. All the gloomy faces gracing our streets are products of stunted romance in our homes. Love is a process and our men must invest time and resources in nurturing.

Emotional plurality is too an expensive venture for anybody who doesn't own the world bank. Emotional bliss is one thing that anybody is capable of cultivating provided you work on it. There is no free lunch and you either work for it or miss out and hawk your projection any willing depression with attendant grave consequences. Keeping parallel wives is one expensive distraction any responsible man must avoid at all costs. It is not only stupid but FATAL to entertain shimo mbaya ni ya nyoka mentality.

Package Your Emotions in Pasionate Kiss

2008-06-19T17:46:00.000+03:00

A kiss is probably the most used and abused emotional expression of all. Either we do it for all the wrong reasons or simply mess our lips by wetting other’s cheeks and lips too. A right kiss timed and placed rightly can win you the passport into anybody’s heart. So what do we know about kissing?

Turning the wrong side of the head to receive a kiss is the genesis of losing out. If not sure just revert to the conventional, tried and tested, turn your head to the right when kissing. While at it be very clear on when to kiss and when to end the passion and affection at a simple peck. The difference may be sublime to the uninitiated but a peck if often more romantic than working your lips. And why not save energy for a rainy day when a simple peck uses two muscles while a passionate kiss on the other hand uses all 34 muscles in your face?

Emotional etiquette demands less rigour and more passion. Next time you want to interlock your lips passionately mean it and do it with your eyes CLOSED. For good measure make the impression last for a lifetime because just like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are similar. So get on with it, work your lips and draw all the attendant benefits.

There is more to a glowing skin than just moisturizers. Research has proved that the act of smooching improves your skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches. Moreover kissing is proved to release the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting So there you have free medication dispensed by the lips. So stop being a slave to traditional constraints indulge and sample the beauty and sweetness from the right lips. What is more, an average person spends about 2 weeks (336 hours) of his or her life kissing.

It is within your powers to improve your personality using the most lethal organ lying between your chin and nose. Let the fear of not doing it right enslave you, practice makes perfect. If anything the average woman is known to kiss almost 30 men before she gets married. And men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t. So go lips go and make history by interlocking longest.

Living With an Unattractive Partner

2008-05-20T18:41:00.000+03:00

So what to do when you are no longer physically attracted to your partner? Well, the word fat is often used to connote ugly. Sometimes you may be living in hell trying to hint to your unsightly spouse to hit the gym lakini wapi. Learning to share bed with all MASS may sound pragmatic but painful and unrealistic. Nobody needs an immobile and WHEEZING drum for a partner.

There are no two way in addressing a growing midstream. Being philosophical may make you look witty but then you don’t need sharp wits in bed, or do you? Cutting the mother figure is no excuse to make your body the bin for all junkies and fat on this planet. Only action oriented towards burning fat will do. As a spouse, get involved in your partner’s life and help him/her retrace the ex-shape that made you go gaga.

Wheezing drum
Sex and all its derivative pleasantries are the FIRST casualties of overlapping tummies and near-immobile limbs. Women are particular cagey about their weights and pointing this out requires plenty of tact alloyed in utmost sensitivity to their feelings. You must endeavour never to offend whoever you intend to help lead a beautiful and happy life. And no matter the reluctance to hit the gym you must not give up on her either. So you either face the problem head on or shy away in gnawing silence so as to REAP growing indifference to sex.

Forget about all the poetry and semantics that her beauty resides inside and that the outside doesn't matter. That white lie is not sustainable in the long run; banish it immediately it hits your lips. The only known cure to this explosive phenomenon in relationship is to adopt a collective mindset in confronting the weight monster. No half measures will suffice. And prescription for the cure is only dispensed in effective communication. No substitute. All the excuses about children and finances only become practical issues with a listening ear and a heart to join in the solution.

Vertical Motions with Horizontal Intentions

2008-05-15T19:55:00.000+03:00

Honesty is one rare virtue in all spheres of life including love life. Our pretence to fidelity with the truth is only ankle deep. Behind every honest statement by a lover lurks a selfish intention. How many times have you been invited for LUNCH by an apparently well-meaning friend only to discover to your utter dismay that it was a nothing but an EATING TRAP?

Well, there is no free lunch and even what appears free must be paid in kind. Men are the most cunning species in the dating scene. Most men will do ANYTHING to impress a lady. However, their pretence to be gentlemen to a fault often betrays the devious and ULTIMATE intention in sampling the flesh seated before them in clothes. No wonder date rate is an under reported vice.

Bars and restaurants are usually just emotional holding grounds before the ultimate preying onslaught. Forget the feel-good plastic feeling derived from alcohol. A calculative man will revert to the shortest avenue to have his date’s stability and rational willingly impaired by ale. Makers of alcohol are not fools either. They need the money to keep them in business that is why they must deliver the latent punch through the bottle.

Third lower limb
Going for a dance after the rational nerves have been conditioned in alcohol is only a ritual to completes the jigsaw. In most cases the man is merely oscillating about the mean position in apparent rhythm to music but the whole mental edifice if hours ahead of itself salivating when the eventual laying comes to pass. All the dancing to FAVOURITE tunes is pretence at its best.

Smart men simply disguise dance as the vertical motions with the ultimate HORIZONTAL intention. At such junctures, an average man is left at the mercy of the demanding projection dangling at the junction of his lower limbs. Funny enough most of the time the satisfaction is so perishable and short lived so much so that the heart starts circling her next emotional prey as soon as it collapses in exhaustion. What a cheap way to please your selfish body?

Rewards of Athletism Around the Waist

2008-05-10T21:01:00.000+03:00

Go ye into the world, multiply and fill it so the good scripture says. Religion mean different things to different people. The Duggar family parents from Arkansas Michelle and Jim Bob are on a birthing spree. Michelle, 41, and Jim, 42, have been married for the last 24 years and already have 17 natural children with number 18 coming soon. To this amazing couple they are simply following their evangelical Christian movement called Quiverful, which teaches that children are God’s blessing and that husbands and wives should happily welcome every child they are given.

Married in 1984 when they were just 17 and 19 respectively, Michelle and Jim Bob decided to pray for as many children as God would give them. Within a year, Michelle was pregnant with the first of their two sets of twins. What is more, the real estate agents parents claim their family is debt-free. Effective utilization of the ready labour helped build their 7,000-square-foot home in Tontitown. Psalms 123 verse 3 which proclaims that children are a heritage of the Lord is the motivation for the prolific and fertile Bob and Michelle. They simply let the Lord decide for them go athletic around the waist and plant. They are both so proud of their prowess so much so that they consider the choir natural gift. Michelle adds, “we would love more, and the power of the Lord took our faith to give us another one.”

Full house and still counting
The maths is just mind boggling. The Duggar crowd of 17 range in age from 20 years to 9 months. In the mix are 10 boys and seven girls. With two sets of twins, Michelle has gone through 15 pregnancies that ended in 13 natural deliveries and two Caesarean sections. Consider this Michelle has been pregnant for more than 11 years (135 months to be precise) with an average of 18 months between births. The family estimates it has used 90,000 diapers and launders 200 loads of clothes each month in a row of industrial-size washers and dryers.

The Duggar family consumes 5 loaves of bread each day. Their transportation is facilitated by nine vehicles including a 21-seater mini bus. On average all members of the family have combined to work approximately 39,000 hours on their home.

And we thought Africans have large families. Well, if only feeding this multitude would be as easy as the commensurate excitement from ecstasy during their manufacture. The Duggar school for kids would be handy for an African subsistence farming family but a headache at meal times. They would need tagging that threatens to exhaust all letters of the English alphabet.

Perils of Love Reduced to Size

2008-04-22T21:28:00.000+03:00

Forget about the mantra that men only feel comfortable when they earn more than their spouses or partners. The truth lies elsewhere because the REAL MALE EGO resides in a man's size. But before you start churning out mental pornography movies in your head I sorry to disappoint you. This post is not about the size of what is housed at the junction of the lower limbs, no.

That short men are temperamental is a fact. What is least known or rather overlooked is the fact that short men have fragile egos that is often soothed with overreactions to cover for the vertical deficit. A man challenged in height makes his emotional life hell by making his pint size the frame of reference to any comments against or for him. The few who have learnt to live with such challenges end up mocking themselves and coming out the better in any relationship.

Dwarf men are very sensitive to jokes around them and easily take offense on petty things that would otherwise be wittily laughed off. Ingenious short shot men have taken to wearing high heeled shoes for that extra lift. But such creativity works for the few subtle height deficits and not the overtly above-the-ground bloke. Going to the ridiculous heights of always putting on oversize clothes only succeeds in making clones resembling statues erected in maize fields to scare birds.

Self-destructive war
Having satisfactory dialogue with short men is a nightmare to say the least. Most of them are so paranoiac about their height so much so that they would imagine that you are maliciously examining the contents of their skull by taking advantage of your length. This is rarely the case with ladies who often make the best of their sizes. True, we may be living in a patriarch world. But then borrowing a leaf from our sisters in self appreciation would be the trick to have internal peace within ourselves. That will help men immensely towards stopping self-destructive wars from within than only succeeds in robbing us of life’s little gift of bliss.

Well the air above your head is not any fresher that what goes through your nostrils. Self appreciation is the key. Making a ruckus or forming cheap mental pictures about things you have no control over is a sure source of eternal stress. Love resides in the heart and not in the height. Finding and enjoying it is premised on knowing and appreciating yourself first.

Key to overcoming negative emotions related to you height lies in being open-minded. With just some little wit, you can turn your challenged length inside out into a point of strength. If you are looking for love look for the heart and stop making one more enemy with hypersensitivity to height issues. Such obsessions only make you read malice from the lips of angels.

Paying Ultimate Price of Being Smart

2008-04-17T18:44:00.000+03:00

Being intellectually smart can work against you in a competitive environment especially if your opponents have gaffes as their middle names. The goofs end up sounding more natural and real while the smooth chaps takes the shape of programmed speech.

Raising the bar can be counterproductive when your competitors engage in reverse logic where instead of aspiring to measure up they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. Just ask one smooth Barrack Obama who is till smarting from just mouthing the simple work BITTER while his competitor Hilary escapes with linguistic murder by baptizing lies as misspeaking.

Trust politicians to spin any vice into a virtue. It was the British wartime Premier Winston Churchill who when caught lying countered that he was simply engaged in a terminological inexactitude. Give it to Churchill, the same bloke who turned military defeat on its head by claiming that retreating is advancing from the opposite direction.

Sanitize rot
The above examples give a glimpse of how smart leaders can become victims of their own sharpness and even worse shrewd leaders getting away with goofs of murderous proportions. On our own backyard Kibaki’s pumbavu and mavi ya kuku is so dry and bereft of any wit that it only reminds you of the village shouting matches between juveniles. No wonder he is so much out of touch with his subjects and his culture of impunity only serves his ego and nostalgia of the 1960s.

But all that is likely to change damn fast. With the present culture of instant blogs and excessive scrutiny from an informed citizenry, every word and policy from any future Kenyan leader will turned inside out under microscope. Pretenders to leadership will have no chance and Kenya will be the better for all the pain. Woe unto scoundrels weaned on offensive blandness for the time of recrimination and persecution is nigh.

The Prophecy of Gema Tower of Babel

2008-04-11T21:17:00.000+03:00

Kenya’s ethnic-based politics works in interesting ways. PNU’s fear of ODM and Raila in particular is the singular glue that makes them parrot reactions anytime salvos are fired at their shaky camp. Granted, our political parties are carbon copies of each other and the difference is as deep as the native languages spoken by their leaders. But Kibaki took that simplistic view of parties a notch high by patching an edifice called PNU less than 100 days before last year’s polls.

The noise fro within PNU is symptomatic of a rudderless ship drifting in the doldrums and Kibaki’s will spell its demise as fast as it emerged on the Kenyans political landscape. Real political competition is won with wits. Only proactive leadership guarantees a successful political coup. PNU’s perennial reactions to salvos doesn't do it any good besides proving the fact that the party is a headless chicken and Kibaki has never pretended to give it one. The truth remains that ODM is the singular threat that galvanizes PNU into all its shades of unity. Very soon Grand Regency will be in the hands and pockets of few.

River Chania divide
Selective amnesia and application of the law is Kibaki’s forte. Even before Kenyans said Kamlesh Pattni Ringera had KACC’s guns pointing at Mudavadi’s head. That would have been a very bold move towards combating corruption were it not for the obvious mistiming. Any pedestrian political observer won’t fail to see the soft political underbelly PNU is busy looking for in ODM. They are simply furthering their propaganda of painting formidable opponents in Raila and Ruto as more polarizing so why not corner a gullible big catch to be paraded as level-headed and acceptable to both sides?

The hitherto Chania River divide will soon be compounded by Embu/Meru revolt. As it was during Moi’s time so shall it after Kibaki's presidency. There is no gainsaying the predictable fallout from within GEMA as PNU's bedrock of support once the presidency leaves the vicinity of Mt. Kenya cannot be gainsaid. The tower of Babel prophecy is only a matter of when and not if. Things can only remain the same within the circumference of the heads of Kibaki’s foot soldiers.

The Beauty of Being a Eunuch

2008-04-03T21:46:00.000+03:00

In the heat of our never-ending circus that is Kenyan politics one often needs a break to indulge in matters personal and sublime whatever you fancy. Pressed, many can confess to hearing about the biblical EUNUCH from their Sunday school. But I can bet my lunch that this is one word many adults would never mouth even in secrecy. Why?

Being overtly athletic around the waist is one attribute that is both revered and despised in equal measure. The emotional pleasures that culminate into ecstasy are few and far between. People have killed when denied the chance to sample such pleasures or to eliminate the stumbling block separating them from the goodies. Consequently one may wonder why not cut the flack and as a minimal measure choose to be a eunuch to dispense with the entire libido business?

Emotional energy reservoirs
Well, you better not make such sadistic suggestions in the company of ordinary men lest you have you face brutally rearranged. But eunuchs have the peace of mind of engaging only in harmless fantasies. As a consequence they save themselves all the emotional stress of chasing and wanting to conquer. Such energy reservoir can be productively channelled into other ventured.

Not everybody is interested in having blood descendants. The world is teaming with more than 6.3 billion pairs of upper lips to feed. The emotionally strong can do they bit in populating the planet as eunuchs engage in more useful chores. When Bob Marley sand his hit song no more woman no cry he must have had this at the back of his mind. So if you want no unnecessary tears rolling down your cheeks you better contemplate being a eunuch.

Want to be an Ass? Just Lie With Statistics

2008-03-25T19:35:00.000+03:00

Mention the word statistics to any ordinary audience and the faces around won’t disappoint with their myriad contours. Statistics has been reduced to its barest to make it conjure only numbers. Well that could be true but the truth remains there is more to statistics than mere numbers.

Acalculi (general fear on numbers) is the genesis of most people demonizing statistics. For the records there is mere counting and number arrangement (combinatorics) and statistics just like there is number manipulation (arithmetic) and mathematics. So what the heck am I up to with all these? Well, I am not splitting hairs nor engaging is a simple game of semantics.

Anybody engaged in any form of research inevitably becomes a statistician on sorts. Yes that research question of yours is nothing but a NULL HYPOTHESIS. And you do your thing and end up ‘proving’ or ‘disapproving’ it. That last bit is decision premised on ALTERNATIVE HYPOTHESIS. But again why all the heat with these two ordinary words – null and alternative? And there lies the catch, you either get it or miss the boat by a river and your research is everything but DOOMED.

Three brands of liars
A statistician will have the hardest time explaining the ordinary words to anybody outside her profession. As a chartered epidemiologist/statistician I found it one of my greatest challenges explaining to a jury what these MUNDANE terms mean in everyday life. So here I was on standing precariously with my profession at stake before legal scoundrels ready with hammers and six-inch nails to puncture holes into my evidence. All they want from me is an exhaustive and unambiguous explanation of types I and II errors. See already you are numerically blushing at my preference for Roman numerals instead of the ordinary 1 and 2!

Well to cut a long story short, hypothesis testing and estimation are the two singular important wheels in the statistical cog. Hypothesis is nothing but an informed statement about an unknown population parameter whose plausibility we want to evaluate using information obtained from a sample of the same population. Such an assertion becomes the Null hypothesis and it can be either true or false its complementary becomes the ALTERNATIVE hypothesis.

You make a mistake by rejecting the assertion if it is indeed true and consequently commit type I error. On the other hand you make a mistake by failing to reject the assertion if it indeed false hence committing type II error. So which of these errors is greater sin than the other? I gave the jury the analogy of convicting the innocent (type I) and releasing the guilty (type II). The law being the ass it is often designed to be would scream itself hoarse never to contemplate type I error at any cost.

So can you still lie with statistics? Granted there are three types of liars: liars, damn liars and statistics. Whatever brands of lies you prefer never make an ass out of yourself.

Political Generation Weaned on Deception

2008-03-21T20:35:00.000+03:00

Yet another season again when our politicians are all over themselves mouthing superlative accolades to catch their ears of the bosses. In the din of all the broad smile in support of the peace deal, politicians are falling over themselves in fashions that would make the late Shariff Nassir and Kariuki Chotara green with envy.

The game remains the same, the players have swooped positions but the script is predictably the same. You listen to Martha Karua manufacture facts about Kibaki's foresightedness in partially filling his cabinet and you are reminded of Ezekiel Bargetuny's polished antics from the yonder years.

Trust Kenyan politicians to be converted overnight from pedestal of objective to swim swim in shameless psychophancy. The adage that the more things change the more they remain the same couldn't have been mare apt in describing our leaders. Enter Kiraitu Murungi and last week the good minister rediscovered his former reformist self in urging equity and respect to all political shades. Contrast that with his hitherto gate keeping of the present rot just three weeks ago.

Inverted virtues
Nothing hurts like politicians treating their electorate with utter contempt. These scoundrels for leaders must be entertaining in their small minds the myth that Kenyans have no brains of their own and we also elect them to think for us. Otherwise the obtuse goofs that has become their forte only exposes the selfish realms on which they premise their politics.

The present generation of Kenyan politicians were conceived and weaned on deception as an inverted virtue. This vice spares none of them. Seeing Raila all over a sudden showing Kibaki with untrue and hollow praises only goes deep enough to expose the fact that our politicians and leaders in general stand for nothing.

Our only saving grace is that Kenyans are far ahead of their leaders. We know what we want as the falling of giants in last elections clearly proved. While the present lot stand for nothing and only scheme to ride on our collective backs towards realizing their selfish ends, the ultimate booting price is guaranteed. The know-it-alls may delude themselves by fooling some people some time but not all Kenyans all the times. Never and soon we will reclaim out beautiful country.

The Serial Demise of Africa’s Independence Parties

2007-10-07T20:11:00.000+03:00

From Egypt to Zambia, Africa’s independence parties’ graveyards cannot be traced. Kenya’s KANU is apparently headed into that cemetery. But what plausible reason can be ascribed to these parties that ruled the newly-minted states and lorded over its populace like kings?

Those positing that that majority of African countries got independence when they were ill prepared cannot be dismissed with a wave of hands. The truth is that most ‘founding fathers’ of new African countries were opportunists who rode on the shoulders of their peasant and real freed fighters to secure personal aggrandisements at the expense of their country people. The gulf and tension between our local home guards and freedom fighters aptly drives this point home.

KANU, UNIP (Zambia) and all their derivatives may have been formed on firm foundation but suffered the curse of big brother syndrome. The Kenyattas and Kaundas of these continent were simply silent admirers of the imperialist whose lifestyles they cut-and-copied word for deeds. Their disdain for challengers remains unparalleled. But that is not the problem neither the excuse for failure of these parties. The people who inherited them took over and perfected the game with all their respective warts and thus the speedy roll to oblivion.

African countries are smarting from the collective failures of their independence parties because even the ‘cleverly’ crafted alternatives are nothing but offshoots of those clubs. And the electorate have not done themselves any favour to demand accountability and issue-based politics. Instead we have been roped into these politicians’ selfish schemes by offering them our back to ride on for political office. The busk stops with us and until we stop and re-evaluate the future of our politics, Kanu and its present OWNERS will replicate the demise of civilized politics in our continent in general and country in particular. But do we care? You guess is as good as mine.

Kenya on Sale to Highest Bidder

2007-10-03T18:19:00.000+03:00

Kenya is abuzz and nearly suffocating with pundits weaving yarns in support of their respective political theories. That is the beautiful face of democracy which is the worse form of governance except no acceptable alternative has emerged to challenge the dogma. But pudding in democratic mean lies in its nasty and ugly face of deceit clothed in propaganda gab.

A politician success in unfortunately measured not with his character and integrity but garlanded with perishable traits exhibited through charisma and political correctness. We the electorate complete this selfish equation by allowing ourselves to be ‘cleverly’ roped I to play foot soldiers. What a nice way to negotiate a winning mega contract with neither a sweat nor bidding fee?

The problem with being tagged a ‘contracted politician’ is that it places one in peril of becoming more and more of a contract (read pay) and less and less political. Call it an occupational hazard if you may but it all amounts to the height self-deception at the altar of expediency and aggrandisement. True politicians intellectuals are a rare breed far removed from the rough and tumble of honesty. Kenya lacks them a plenty.

Whoever thought that liberalizing the media would translate to expanded upper faculties must have been from out space. Tune to any FM station or TV channel in Kenya and you would mistake the country to be chocking from intellectuals albeit of the pseudo ilk. The average Kenyan has unconsciously turned into talking heads bereft of ideologies guiding her belief and principles.

But give it to enterprising Kenyans. Even the so-called recognized experts make skewed pronouncements that intellectual dishonesty. These schooled mercenaries have their souls for the highest bidder. They shamelessly use abstracted informal logic in fallacious ways to justify their biases. With intellectuals like these Kenya surely do not need Lucifer and his derivatives, or does she?

Our political pundits have turned conventional wisdom on its own head. They have disabused us of the fact that certain ideas and explanations are not only time-tested but also unshakable true. Instead they peddle cheap propaganda that amounts to transforming conventional wisdom into an obstacle to introducing new theories, explanations, or revisionism.

Unless we look at the tribal evil in the face and confront it collectively, we stand condemned by the future generation for having unwittingly watered the genocide seed. We reason best by contract as that is why you accept being short on meeting somebody tall. Similarly we don’t win friends by antagonizing them. And why would any sane soul consciously scheme to make enemies? You are no island unto yourself and you must turn every neighbour into a pillar that makes you stand firm and happy. Pretending otherwise is to engage in half-truths can only success in self-preservation.

The Perils of Fear of the Unknown

2007-07-25T21:18:00.000+03:00

The political drama thickens as we draw closer to December polls. Ours is real theatre of the absurd politically speaking. Being no game and bereft of all rules, our politics has fallen to its record low. Yesterday’s sworn enemies are now bosom buddies rehearsing their scripts on how best to steal Kenyans’ votes under false and plastic promises albeit packaged in grandiose schemes.

When you see past known looters crafting new alliance with their successors, you know elections are nigh in Kenya. Fear of the unknown and a collective phobia sums it all. As we watch the political theatre, these two dinosaurs will continue holding the remote. We enjoy the actions oblivious of the fact that other interesting channels exist.Our national psyche is enslaved to the so-called tried and tested.

We Kenyans easily get intimidated with age. Some even shamelessly justify such shortcomings by quoting Wahenga who are just but waropokaji hiding under cluster of words (sayings) designed to suit every situation, often conflicting.

Emilio and Moi are now the best of friends like the embarrassment of December 2002 happened in Mars and not Kenya. Make no mistake politics is about playing it selfish under the cover of hollow objectivity. While Baba Jimmy stears the ship to nostalgic waters, Baba Gidi dreads anything abstract or revolutionary. And that provides the hip at which these expired politicians get joined. Kenya's present tokenism economic growth amounts to schooled slavery to the past glory of 1970s as practiced by the present regime.

It will take our national resolve, collective revolutionary mind and heart to wean and win Kenyans out of tokenism and sectarian loyalties. Save for few exceptional CEOs, Kenya's economic glitterati owe all their ill-gotten wealth to politicians. That is why only politics and religion witnesses growth even in gloomy periods. The common thread in both practices is to make people's mind take leave of absence from the brain and instead engage full gear of emotions.

You close your eyes, speak in foreign tongues and shout amen at the drop of a hat. In the process your rumbling stomach is accusing you of being irrational to give out your Ksh. 100 to a gold-bedecked Muiru/Wanjiru. In the end you go back to the office full on air burgers, yawning and defrauding the govt/employer with your sub-optimal output.

Swap the preacher with the politicians and get the true picture. We are in for nasty times and only we can save ourselves, but can we and are we ready for the long haul? You guess right. Meanwhile the flames continue to consume Kenya. Who will save Kenya from her own vultures like the goons they hire to cheat us on hating each other?

Until we chose to think outside the box, we remain boxed and wrapped ready for shipping to political Siberia.

Pulpit to Parliament: The Floodgates to Hell

2007-04-19T16:59:00.000+03:00

It is all systems go as Kenyan men and women of the collar outdo each other in the mad rush into the murky waters of politics. The present scenario has proved a godsend opportunity in unmasking the plastic philanthropic posturing and religious tokenism from these pseudo shepherds.

It is one thing to have the luxury of spew opinionated sermons from the sanctity of the pulpit without any criticism. On the other hand, the political world is a different kettle of fish where the immunity offered by the pulpit is nothing but a rumour. A thick skin to stinging criticism is a must to stay a float in the political marsh.

The thin-veiled selfishness hidden under overt commercial considerations couldn't have provided rich fodder for potential political opponents. As the adage goes, the good deeds are interred with your exit from the pulpit and only your nasty side becomes your permanent shadow haunting every move you make.

Church must have known better the wisdom in perfecting the call of seek ye the economic kingdom first and the rest shall follow. After ripping their vulnerable congregations for years, it appears timely to invest in the only profession were serving selfish personal interest remains the roadmap to prosperity. It is harvest time for the enterprising prophets and prophetesses after cleverly tricking gullible Kenyans to sow faithfully for years.

Their blings and trademark garments would make the Arturs look like experts in Mutumab camera shoppers at Gikomba. The eloquent kings and queens of the pulpit can afford to shout themselves hoarse while permuting very few biblically catchy phrases. And before the hallucinated crowd shouts amen in unison, they find themselves religiously digging deeper in their pockets and purses for the last note (no coins please) to reward using the hot air with the speaker now foaming at the mouth.

It is now time to raise the stakes and the self-proclaimed servants of God, have a higher calling. Being neither foolish not geniuses, they expect nothing but unadulterated transfer of loyalty from the church to the political platform and into the voting booth.

Make no mistake, the Muirus, Wanjirus and Musyimis of these world are not naïve and they know grab the first opportunity when they see one beckoning miles away. Granted, they have all the constitutional right to seek any elective post in Kenya. But that said, they must be prepared to have their acts under the most powerful microscope once out there. There is no free lunch and theirs is a true baptism with fire.

To give credit where it is due, some of these collar men (no known woman) played a significant opposition role to Moi's dark era. Their courage and charisma is an asset to very few and stood tall. However, some of them can escape the scrutiny radar. Their consistency in being watchdogs has been left wanting since 2003, to say the least.

To feather their nests and make optimal political capital under the hallowed cover of the church, they have unwittingly pierced their moral balloons by supping with politicians. In accepting to serve two masters (church and politics) they have literally spread themselves too and the focus for the wide good lost in the process as evident in their occasional shameless pandering to the whims of the ruling elite. An example to demonstrate this is Rev. Musyimi and his role in the (anti)corruption steering committee. Call it what you may but his committee is a political appointment with nothing to show for it despite the obscene budget.

True, we need a break from the tired and tested political lot and if Mutava can breathe new lease of life into our leadership then why not. But the caveat remains his reasons for joining politics must be objective and above reproach. But Rev Mutava and his ilk are merely joining the ranks of other self-seekers with the belief in being rewarded for fighting injustice then the good people of God are playing Russian roulette with their morals and integrity that was painstakingly built over the years.

We maybe headed to either the political Canaan or abyss depending on what these political aspirants have up their sleeves. We only overlook the corrupt nature of our politics at our collective national peril. On an optimistic note we must start from somewhere and can only remain vigilant with our eyes wide open and ears firmly on the ground to see what change they bring to the political table. Kenyans may be just producing saviours or political mercenaries depending on what these aspirants’ political entry points are anchored on.

Conspiracy To Kill Your Mother and Sisters

2007-04-12T19:38:00.000+03:00

Some traditions and stereotypes won’t just go away no matter our exposure and education. The race and struggle to have a son and belittle daughters is as old as any African tradition you can think of. Forget the status in society and even education or religious standing, every family stands on a quicksand with a boy to baptize their names as mama or baba so-and-so.

Make no mistake, it is not just the African man who considers himself incomplete without a son to call his own. Women go over the top and in some communities it is even and acceptable sin to ‘browse’ outside the family for the right man capable of siring a son if the wife doubts her husband’s genes.

I will stick my neck and play the devil's advocate on behalf of my dear sisters. They are simply being real and African by struggling to measure and satisfy communal pressures. As for my brothers, it boils down to ego trips given that most of them have nothing to bequeath their so called heirs besides poverty in abundance.

Nothing could be further from the truth. What makes you think that the collagemate who used to beat you hands down all over sudden becomes a dimwit once you 'trick' her into marriage. And by the way if marriage is the principal cause of divorce then men are the principal causes and sources of all the turmoil in this planet.

And there lies our problems as a people. We are often slaves to our village roots despite exposure in life, unfortunately. A child is a child is a child. And trust me on this: (African) men address their insecurity by claiming to be superior to their women to sooth their bloated egos in justifying the mad race and rush for sons while treating daughters as lesser mortals.

We are shameless pretenders who create the impression that all is good in our houses and even when we are hitting the floor of the emotional pit. Now this is acidic bothers and please don't lynch me for saying the truth. I am sure to stir the hornet's nest. Emotions change with time and as the epidemiologist and statistician will tell you its one variable that is heterogeneous. So to stick to your old flame and emotional beliefs which you have definitely outgrown is to get stuck in a time warp.

The remedy? Be creative and as a software update your emotions and invest in your love life. If all fails, why not divorce officially. Hold your horse with tirades and save me the obtuse pretence. Marriage the singular cause of divorce so once married, divorce graces the other side of the coin.

That is not western brainwashing. And by the way, don't we live like them shamelessly borrowing their 'civilized' traits and only selectively trashing them when it serves our bloated egos? This is not playing the devils advocates and my brothers must see marriage for the institution that it is and not a factory for kids who end up being the necessary devils cropping out as biological accidents from our acts of being athletic around the waist.

Invest in your love life and reap the accruing dividends or perish emotionally as you cling to the empty and elusive shell of yore. Marriage and love life must be treated as dynamics otherwise you only reap the barbs and bitterness that will only drive you prematurely into your grave. Our sisters deserve better and they remain the only spices in our otherwise dull lives.

Tolerance is the Answer, What was the Question?

2007-04-03T17:40:00.000+03:00

Kenyans are probably the most politically conscious Africans. We are overtly political and spend a better part of our time when awake eating, drinking and even sleeping politics. Tribalism remains the hottest and most emotive of all our political talks and indulge into it with all the passion and vitriol depending on whom we are defending or vilifying.

Faint hearts would better not dare mention this smouldering topic leave alone risking the predictable bile and wasted emotions that overwhelm them from detractors wishing to differ with their point and opinions. But which is a lesser devil? Leave the virus go virulent or diagnose the malady and treat the cancer by clipping its potential mutations? Your guess is as good as mine, we must soil our hand to shame this primitive trait cast on us by selfish politicians and leaders.

An example is the ever green Kikuyu question which is a problem that is symbolically Kenyan. These guys constitute a nonignorable proportion (>20%) of our population. Their presence is felt (positively and otherwise) everywhere in all spheres of Kenyans' lives. And is the genesis of the wider problem.

At the risk of being branded insensitive, you will find more Kikuyus than any other bodies in any cosmopolitan morgue. These guys are every where and very hard working only that few take this attribute a step higher to the realms of 'hell for leather' - success at all costs. That is where they lose the plot with all the marks.

Unity in diversity is an overused catch phrase that is rarely understood. All are born equal and any claim of superiority only succeeds in isolating you from those whose shoulders you need to go both up and down. One would hate to imagine what the magnitude of tribal tension would be were Kenyatta to live longer?

The ever-smouldering Luo-Kikuyu divide remains a source of cheap stereotypes with some bordering on the absurd. Ask a Kikuyu bandying village bile at his Luo counterpart what is beef is and you can bet your last breathe that no honest nor factual reason will be advanced. Theirs is a generation smarting from the burden of inherited hatred courtesy of Jomo Kenyatta's political propaganda against Oginga Odinga. Why would a whole generation, majority of them born after Jomo died, inherit hatred propagated by politicians for expediency and packaged as unity call to protect our own?

If the Luos suffer from political herd mentality, then the Kuks suffer the same weaned on inherited tribal jingoism and hatred. The lake chaps have no moral grounds either to be herded like omena into one political sack. They must liberate themselves from those preying on their vulnerability.

Jaramogi was both a saint and devil (no stones please). He was objective enough to deny himself political seat for the wider good, Jomo's release. But he lost it by playing into old Jomo's hands to herd the Luos into a pack of rebels which they are still smarting from as the Kuks re-awakes Jomo's tribal spirits.

The truth is, you are naive to ignore the Luos and Kuks in Kenyan politics. But that said, these chaps must measure to civilized politics and stop practising the cheap brand of yore. You don't add any value to your persona by supping with the critic to your enemy, or do you?

We need each other and one more enemy is one too many. We must not mistake bravado, brinkmanship and fraud for entrepreneurship. Comparing them is not any different from the cheap types comparing Prof. Maathai's Nobel prize and Raila's hummer. It is comparison based on ignorance and the wrong premise.

The truism that him who is not travelled considers his mum the best cook couldn't be more apt in capturing the origins of our tribal posturing. Heightened tribalism can be latently traced to our education system. It is not an exaggeration to claim that some very bright Kenyans had problems adjusting to campus life after attending Ndethia primary and Ndethia secondary schools (due respect folks).

Being the village Stephen Hawkins may inadvertently go into your head while you remain oblivious of the fact that people from other cultures demand some decorum from your bravado. To such a guy, circumcision of the mind is a distant priority to chopping his foreskin. If only one would be a live to the fact that more than 75% of men the world over are not circumcised?

It is a global village and I must shed a tear for our Tz brothers and sisters. Like it hate it, Tanzanians have their strength in unity and lack of tribal tensions. It is both in bad faith and insensitive to pour scorn on your neighbour whom you have no luxury of choosing. By the way those chaps sense of 'upole' and mannerisms our capitalistic (read grabbing) endeavours resemble a mad rush among apes in the park unless to you trophy acquisition justifies the spilt blood.

Kenya remains just big enough for the accommodative many but also too small for the selfish few. We need each other and let us not fall prey to scoundrels who pass as politicians in tribal chiefs’ gabs. And we better act now for tomorrow might be too late. I rest my case.

Kenya at her Historic Tribal Best

2007-03-27T19:26:00.000+03:00

Recent developments and appointments to key government position brought back the emotive tribal debate to the fore. Both critics and detractors are waxing lyrical and defensive with all shades of opinions to support their case. Bu all said and done, tribalism remains the singular malady whose nasty consequences continue to eat into both our conscience and moral fabric.

There is no justification to vilify Kibaki or protect him provided we understand the generation and school of thought he was weaned on. It's total waste of breathe and I would humbly suggest to you Kenyans with a future to look upto to tackle the root cause of this cancer. I am not naive to its prevalence and I know it will take ages to correct but we would be dancing ourselves lame before scoundrels for politicians who sold our soul for cheap populism and expediency.

It is the height of utter insensitivity to brand dimwits professors of politics just because they cause so much bloodshed. On the same vein, what is this madness to jump to the defence of academic dinosaurs whose economic models can't be programmed i any known language?
Spare us the balderdash please and lest seize the opportunity slipping between our fingers to address TRIBALISM. I speak my mother tongue with pride, but the identity end there and I wouldn't care a hoot if the language belonged to the apes.

We are all born equal and any sense tribal superiority is not only a farce but living a lie at best.
True, Kikuyus constitute more than 1 fifth of Kenyans. But you don't have to be a rocket scientist to see the disparity. Stop insulting the collective intelligence of Kenyans. We know negative 'sms, when see one and amount of unsolicited level 100 series of lectures will wash.
Granted, even in a cosmopolitan morgue you are more likely to find more Kuks than Digos but management of public affairs doesn't take such a simplistic version of reasoning. Kenya belongs to all of us and anybody indulging in self-deception that they belong more than others are busy erecting castles on quicksand.

You don't need to be psychic to decode the arrogance and loaded ignorance lurking behind every comment that pretends to exorcise and rationalize the tribal devil.

We are simply, conveniently and unwittingly packaging stereotypes with lofty but empty phrases. Ours is a superlative act of intellectual dishonesty. An argument takes a typical Kenyans turn when you start seeing magnified side shows being prominently elevated to the VIP table of ideas. We can continue bandying all the existing tired catch words while we conveniently let the tribal virus mutate within at our collective peril.

Kibaki is Kenya's president and you can't pocket him unless you entertain the self-deception of 'ni wetu' ilk. Being a public figure, he can't afford to avoid visitation by flies patronizing the beautiful road he strolling on. Trivializing and tribalizing weighty matters takes the wind off our moral sail and we become no better than the pilloried scoundrels we pass as politicians. We are a betrayed generation and no amount of peddling of street wisdom will rescue us from this hole unless we take an honest hard look at ourselves and work together towards reclaiming out nationhood and motherland.

Majimboism: Reinventing the Political Wheel?

2007-03-21T15:09:00.000+03:00

ODM-K politicians have made majimboism a principal plank in their campaigns to to cheat Kenyans of their votes. Packaging regionalism in new linen makes these chaps believe that theirs is the best political gift to Kenyans after independence. Nothing could be further from the truth and our sly politicians are simply stuck like an old record regurgitating old stuff that has no relevance to our present problems. Shorttermism remains the guiding principle of most politicians. All they do is to scheme using voters as ladders for political expediency.

Majimboism is the epidemic whose symptoms already have Kenya bleeding from ethnic hatred. And if we were to legalize it then God have mercy. For starters, the whole ODM-K brigade’s argument for majimbo is pegged on the wrong premise. Even before we engage ourselves in the debate, we must accept the truth that the timing couldn't have been any worse. Kenya is boiling with tribal tension that only needs a spark to explode. The ODM chaps are alive to this fact and want to take advantage for political expediency at our collective peril.

The merit and demerits of majimbo are neither here nor there. With individualized and/or regionalized rule, majimboism will be the icing on the cake on emergence of tribal chiefs ready to sell their tribesmen pound of flesh to cobble up tribal collisions. All we need is structured administration build on institutions that can operate independent of the office bearers. Simple put must go back to the basic and not even entertain the idea of taking us back to Misri, as my brilliant granny often wisely warned.

Why would we create mayhem to unsettle the prevailing peace among tribes? Our cheap politics that has perfected the paradigm of our turn is the bane in this political madness. A fair distribution of wealth and resources would make us be tribeless.

Unless we stop providing an elastic and indefatigable backs for our politicians to ride on, we are inadvertently abetting the speedy slide of our motherland into abyss. We must stop these politicians from playing the small tribes against the perceived large ones.

All are born equal and any trace of calibration into superiority is the height of deception in attept to jutify living a lie. Such cheap propaganda are anchored on simplistic and unproductive leadership. We must resist the lure to opt for cheap plastic options in the face of gigantic problems. Regionalism is no panacea to the present sickening spate of tribalism among Kenyans. If anything it will only succeed in fuelling the vice.

With no dependable institutions, we are simple inviting ourselves to into the jungle with all its unpleasant laws. Lest we want to create unviable 42+ jimbos for each tribe, Kenya and Kenyans must retrace their values and agree to either grow together of severally exterminate each other. There is success story anywhere in the world on this. So why pretend to have discovered the tools to reinvent a rusty wheel? I rest my case.

African Ghosts Back With Vengeance

2007-03-16T04:51:00.000+03:00

If we ever imagined that the dark era of bad African political manners are gone, then we need repentance because current events have disabused of this in a large scale. The bad old days are back with a vengeance with our despots and striving to outdo each other in silencing their opposition and media, both perceived and real.

Dinosaur leaders rule by borrowing bad political manners from their peers. Down south senile Mugabe is speedily driving his beautiful country into abyss and here I Kenya, Kibaki seem to be keenly taking note and proving such an astute student.
The Kenyan government has done it again, having both feet stuck in the mouth. What a primitive show of might in silencing the media. While the world press recently splashed on their front pages a battered Morgan Tsangirai's in the hands of Mugabe’s police, Kenya is threatening to outdo Zimbabwe.

We can condone errors of commission but such grandiose abuse of our national pride, freedom, must be resisted at all cost. We must defend the media and press at all cost lest we lose all that we have gained in the last 15 years. Comparing present freedom to the dark ages of Moi is to feed us on tokenism which we must resist and reject. Whoever authors spins for Kibaki’s government must have been weaned on colonial mentality. Harassing innocent Kenyans working hard to measure to the working nation call is an unprovoked upfront of our collective intelligence. The timing couldn't have been worse in an election year.

Kibaki's propensity to shoot itself in the foot is unparalleled and we must stand up as a nation to shine light in all the dark shades of our leadership. The role of journalists in this endeavour is irreplaceable and we only keep quiet at our own collective peril. Attempt to intimidate the media in this era of information highway is not only destined to fall flat on its ugly face but is also symptomatic of what dinosaurs we have for leaders. The police engage in wild goose chase by shamelessly wasting tax payers’ money in harassing professionals sweating to put food on the table while murderers roam Mt. Elgon unhindered maiming and raping innocent Kenyans.

Ours is a country in the 21st Century led with models of the 1960s. We must reclaim our motherland from these fraudsters in demanding freedom of the press lest we perish both individually and severally. Choosing the cheap option of lynching the messenger and conveniently avoiding the message is the height of intellectual naivety at best and dishonesty at worst.

And our so-called elites are no better than their village mates except they cloth their rawness in eloquent English. They always start an objective argument with loaded facts but no sooner than you read a paragraph than you get confronted with their stories trapped in hole of bad-mouthing. We all appear intelligence in public but remain shameless tribalists in private. It is incumbent upon us to redeem and reclaim our motherland by stripping its leadership of political scavengers now and not tomorrow.

We must refuse to played against each other while imbibing cheap stereotypes. Each one of us is born into a tribe and we must proudly speak out native tongues. But the identity end there and we must embrace and defend Kenyans as one people devoid of prejudice. Otherwise being the country of conspiracies against each other we are destined to collective doom. Politics is a game and the heat it generates is mostly felt by the less-valued loud-mouthed rather than the key players. We must sober up and not be cheap and fast in making insinuations that are akin to character self-destruction. We need not take offence on behalf of our tribal chiefs knowing that we remain the grass that suffers when the bulls fight. When a fellow human being employs reasoning from the lower faculties, they only succeed in making apes look geniuses.

One Country, Two People

2007-03-10T03:31:00.000+03:00

Our national obsession with everything materialistic has taken criminal dimensions of leather for hell proportions. Nothing demonstrates better this divide of me against than our political leaders. A closer look at any of their actions smacks off utmost betrayal of the fake objectivity and sensitivity they proclaim from the rooftops. They are in a continuous state of competing among themselves to curve exclusive selfish niches for themselves albeit without any trace of tact to disguise their ill motives.

A case in point would suffice to demonstrate this mad rush to be ‘different’. The ODM-K's London trip that never was is just the miracle that Kenyans needed to unearth the quicksand on which they anchor their political hopes. Right from the organizers to the guests, the whole thing was a disaster that occurred before its conception. They had danced themselves lame before even the music started playing and now all they have to show for it is nothing but tons of eggs splashed on their faces. Shame on them.

Behind this facade lurks the unpleasant Kenyan culture of aspiring to belong to a class, political and/or economic/social. The ODM-K leaders wanted to set themselves a side as special Kenyans deluding themselves that their self-manufactured problems can only be solved within earshot of the queen. Speak of colonial mindset. These are chaps out of touch with reality wasting funds that they would better invest in saving lives of starving Kenyans. But alas, you can't preach to the converted, or can you?

Seeing Kalonzo bandying high-sounding words in accusing unknown shadows who have hijacked ODM-K betrays his hitherto lyrical waxes last weekend in Western when he chose to prematurely become generous with unsolicited news about the London bonding. Boy, don't sharks have a sharp nose for blood? Trust Deya to smell an opportunity a mile a way to invest in prospective immunity. Mudavadi deserves a medal for being prophetic to cleverly evade embarrassment - he knew he had no chance and Ruto can't put a spin on the backlash. Solidarity for a course is one thing but solidarity to sanitize a stinking character is the height of political naivity and arrogance to the electorate.

ODM-K leadership must sober up and stop being led with a leash on their noses following the the scent of euphoria and emotions. A deep reflection would have prompted them to an honest soul-searching that would have helped them see the embarrassment in advance. Now they have been hanged out both individually and severally to dry. Product of premature campaign and plastic confidence? We need not bother nor wait for time to tell. They have fatally shot themselves in the foot and their goose is as good as cooked and digested.

Shooting Suspects is Killing Intelligence

2007-02-21T23:02:00.000+03:00

The prevailing state of insecurity in Kenyan in general and in our major cities in particular is a sign of deep-rooted cancer in our values as a nation. Resorting to the cheap options of shooting gangsters is akin to immaculately addressing a festering wound that will eventually send us all to our graves.

Our values as a society have been shaken to the core and we must promptly re-evaluate the relevance of our present laws, morals and living philosophy. The spate of wanton destruction of lives is the epitome of our callousness in how cheap a price we attach to life. It’s no rocket science to see the need to going back to the basics of civilized living. Interest groups will predictably and shamelessly bandy high-sounding clichés to explain our predicament. Nothing could be further from the truth, behind their lofty slogans lurks unadulterated selfishness principally tailored to protect their turf to remain relevant for donor funding. Granted, they shout out very valid and sound arguments albeit subjective.

Our country is on fire as a result of living in a serial state of denial for perishable political goals. The obscene gap between the haves and the have-nots has erased any trace of pretence in living the cherished communal lives as Africans. We must see the forest for the trees and stop blaming our shadows and enemies from without fro our own shortsightedness. A total and honest rehabilitation of our egos and values is not negotiable.

Life must be respected for the sacred entity it is and nobody has any authority of play God in taking it away, ex-judicial or otherwise. When the police shoot suspects in cold blood they are simply committing murder which is inexcusable and unforgivable. The law is not naive to grant them the power to immobilize and interrogate such suspects. By killing them, the law enforces are unwittingly killing the evidence and intelligence they desperately need to plan and maintain the country’s security. Unless the police force are inviting us to entertain the rumour that they are merely eliminating their accomplices in crime for fear of being exposed.

Resorting to archaic Hammurabi’s law of an eye for an eye is cheap philosophy that only succeeds in making the whole world blind. Extra-judicial deaths are simplistic and defeat both our legal and moral fibres. Its incumbent upon all of us have an honest re-examinations of ourselves and engage meaningful intellectual discourses devoid of cheap emotions which will only succeed in destroying lives and breaking families. It’s simple, you can’t rehabilitate the dead and two wrongs never made a right

We don’t have the head to merely separate our ears but the gray matter is what makes us different from the inhabitants of the jungle. Unprofessional bravado and chest thumbing from the police makes them no different from the insensitive thugs they hunt. Their beastly actions on TV during prime time news makes one wonder whether any of our kids can contemplate ever being a policeman unless they want to play uninteresting inferior versions of Hollywood thrillers. The police commissioner had done well by rallying Kenyans against the most wanted criminals. But the uncivilized ending eroded the goodwill. Even Lucifer on his knees does not deserve a bullet in his head unless we are comfortable with the nasty scenes of innocent kids watching live movies on the streets and in the estates.

You don’t have to be religious to appreciate the value of life or detest destruction of any of its components . Every Kenyan must teach, understand, respect and practice the cardinal values that define as a society lest history judges us harshly for having laid foundation for the culture to the future generation. Unless we do this and fast, then we are inadvertently busy cutting deals with the devil to undermine God’s singular gift to humankind, life.

All Heat No Light

2007-02-13T20:15:00.000+03:00

It is the season again of grand promises and talk that are never meant to be respected. Kenyans should brace themselves for more free-flowing advice and messages of intent from aspiring politicians. The truth is that it's another cog in the vicious circle wheel of deceit that we will never come out of.

Kenyans politicians have perfected the art of shameless cheating. Add to this mix our uncritical approach to electing leaders provided they speak out mother tongue and all you get is an exotic recipe for disastrous leadership. We need not blame our politicians for any wrong since without our votes they won't be there. If anything we get the leaders we deserve.

Our greed and thirst to succeed wealthwise at any cost has inadvertently blinded us to observing any tenet of morality. With the hefty salaries for MPs, our parliament has become the most sort after address for job seekers who mostly happen to be retirees or crooks or both. They are ready to invest their ill-gotten wealth to grease our hand with their eyes singularly trained on the handsome tax-free packages.

Look around you and all you see is plenty of motions without movement. Roads are being demolished to give an impression of pending works. Your guess is as good as mine, all these are aimed at hoodwinking us into believing that something is being done. However, once we do that the politicians will be all smiles to bunge laughing at our folly.

My take is to trust nobody pretending to be having the answers to all our problems without telling us what he has done in his or her small way to make our country different. Our generation stand the risk of stagnating eternal and being held hostage by the dinosaurs who have rapped our motherland. As we worship money, the fallacy of wealth at whatever cost will definitely come to haunt us forever. We must rise above pettiness and resist being misused. Let us not be deluded any more that we are the leaders of tomorrow. The future is here and now and we must seize it to shame the scoundrels masquerading as our saviours.

Supping With the Devil

2007-02-06T19:10:00.000+03:00

Success at any cost seems to be the plastic guiding light in our lives as Kenyans albeit latently. Don't get me wrong for painting the virtues of success in bad light. But what I mean here is success that is exclusively rolled into the depth of your pockets.

We have unwittingly placed price tags on virtually everything upto and including our morals as a nation. The hitherto revered title Mzee which conveyed honour and respect is nowadays bandied with abandon to anybody who can doll out handouts to sycophants. what is more, these so-called tycoons end up misconstruing their priced fame into popularity contests with eyes shamelessly trained on political price. Do I need to belabour the awful quality of leaders we have? Well, you guess is as good as mine.

Money has turned into a god that controls every facet of our lives and its scent makes us go gaga with no element of sophistication. My heart bleeds for the young generation of Kenyans who will refuse to take up their university places because they have been admitted to study BA arguing that such courses have no future (read money) for them. We couldn't be more naive and short-sighted.

To equate education to wealth is to cuddle inverted priorities. It is comparison based on the wrong premises to say the least and flawed at worst. One leads to the other and the converse is not true. Ask Njenga Karume what his wish is to have and money would not be one of them. He could be able to pay all Kenya civil servants for a whole year frok his pocket but he can't buy the cognitive powers that are only imparted in formal classroom.

True, you don't need a degree to qualify as an intelligent and wise Kenyan by village standards. But come to think of it folks, the psychomotor and affective skills have their own limitations in the absence of their cognitive cousin. Make no mistake, I am not demonising wealth per se. But the truth remains that the rich fools have succeeded in trashing the quality of what lies in between our ears by brainwashing to only value what they have, mourn what we lack and devalue and despise what we possess. Tell me dear Kenyans, who is the smarter one now?

We are busy hawking our treasured certificates in the market for the highest bidder to sample and shit on. We even shamelessly call some village semi-illiterate professor of politics just because they can shrewdly play us against each other using ill-gotten wealth for their selfish survival. If only we could take a minute to reminice and reflect on what it takes to earn a degree leave alone obtaing a PhD before you scale the academic ladder to be a professor! It amounts to a disgraceful insult to our collective intelligence as Kenyans in general and to the diligent dons in particular. No wonder the latter are left envying the space occupied by sardines in a tin as they squeeze themselves in metal contraptions going by the name of matatus.

We must return to and appreciate the basics of life and more importantly respect the value of education for what it is. Education must not be left at the mercy of political sharks and turncoats. It must be left to professions because it remain the singular known foundation of any success and development. Until that is done, we are inadvertently ruining our lives and motherland in advance and that is no worse a sin than supping with the devil.

Taabu

Our Generation are Tribeless

2007-02-03T04:27:00.000+03:00

Mention Maina Kiai, John Githogo, Mwalimu Mati and what strikes your conscience is integrity and steadfastness. But what do Kenyans have for these gallant sons of ours? Well, as Githongo would say, most fools would think he is a sell out betraying his own tribesmen. But to these three people their tribal identity ends at their names period.

Unlike most educated Kenyans who will chase leather even at the expense of kissing hell they don't give a hoot. Time has come for Kenyans to get the leaders we deserve. We cannot afford to be slaves to our present crop of selfish and corrupt politicians who we vote year in year out because they will shamelessly grease our palms with ill gotten wealth.

Time is now and we have the ultimate weapon, vote. We must urge and push the true sons and daughters of Kenya to come out, role their sleeves and dirty their hand in politics because as Kwame Nkurumah said eons ago 'seek ye political kingdom and the rest shall follow'. To argue otherwise is the height of political and practical naivety. In Africa politics greases every cog in our lives and we must put a stop to the dinosaurs we have for leaders.

We can't afford to waste this election year lest we end up entertaining the resultant stinking stench for the next five years. I urge every Kenyan proud of his or her motherland, which I don't doubt you all are, to rise about our cheap ethnic roots and make out country and a shining example in the continent and the while wide world. Please, fellow Kenyans rise up and put your country on the global map for all the right reasons. I promise to do my part please join me, won't you?

Taabu

Stop Digging, We are in Deep Hole

2007-02-02T18:50:00.000+03:00

Kenya, mama Kenya, are we a cursed lot? The new millennium seemed to have smiled on us only to realize six years down the road that all our hopes were anchored on quick sand. Our country of enormous potential has become a captive of selfish politicians masquerading as leaders. Tribalism has become our bane and if your name or accent doesn't betray your ethnic roots, one is prompted to enquire your dad or grandfather's home town for a clue of your ethnicity.

Our so-called leaders are a shameless lot to say the least. Strictly speaking they have no trace of leadership hosted in their sadistic shells for human beings. Their sense of memory is totally impaired and what they claim to do in our interest amounts to nothing but abusing our collective intelligence as Kenyans. Look around you and show me one honest Kenyan politician and I will bequeath you all my earthly possessions. This is no empty rhetoric nor just a hollow challenge but I am sure of retaining my meagre belongings at the end of the bet.

Ours is the only country ruled by dinosaurs who pretend to know everything while foolishly priding themselves in being graduates of Makerere. Granted, Makerere used to be the regional Harvard-equivalent. But to stick you head in the 21 century and shamelessly shape our national destiny on academic models of yester-millennium, is not only naive but the height of intellectual dishonesty at best and plain stupidity at worse.

We are all slaves to thieves of the last generation who control every aspect of our lives. Anytime they pretend to be making things move, they only succeed in sending smokescreens to maintain the status quo. We need and must have a rejuvenation and redefinition of our nationhood. The last 40 years is wasted and the less we mourn about it the better. We must have our eyes and energies singularly trained on the price of the wider picture that is the forest and stop entertaining the plastic view of the detracting trees. Need I say more? I bet not lest I spoil the broth, arise Kenya, arise.

Taabu